


Worth Fighting For

by velocitygrass



Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Coming Out, Don't Ask Don't Tell, M/M, Wooing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-12-06
Updated: 2008-12-06
Packaged: 2018-05-02 17:43:33
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 15,312
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5257739
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/velocitygrass/pseuds/velocitygrass
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Don't Ask, Don't Tell is repealed and fraternization rules for teams changed, John can finally out himself—and be with Rodney. However, Rodney is unsure about his feelings for John and for Jennifer...forcing John to take a more pro-active approach.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Worth Fighting For

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Indybaggins](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Indybaggins/gifts).



> Written for indybaggins, who won me at livelongnmarry in support of equal marriage rights in California. The fight isn't over and the title is in part for this cause. Thank you so much for your support!
> 
> Many thanks to lavvyan for her very helpful suggestions and corrections and to neevebrody for her wonderful beta duties.
> 
> Content note: There's also Rodney/Jennifer pre-het and mention of past John/OMC and Rodney/OMC, John having had sex with women and slight John/OMC flirtation in the present.

Sheppard,

Just a heads up. The second big round of changes by the new administration will be in this data burst. Nothing that wasn't expected, except for maybe two things.

Don't Ask, Don't Tell is officially no more. _That_ is not a surprise since it was part of the platform the president ran on, but I think we all expected it to take at least a year. Apparently some study (the guy loves his studies) said acceptance of this change would be high for the Stargate program and no major problems are expected. So we get to be first.

I should also say that the study says you should expect a vastly above average percentage of non-straight men and women under your command, especially among those who came on the first wave when coming back couldn't be guaranteed.

For what it's worth, we didn't have any big problems here at the SGC. Some awkwardness and some crudeness but it all worked itself out except in one case, which Landry took care of swiftly. I don't think it'll be different for you.

The other thing is more unexpected, though I do not think it will matter much to your everyday operation. (It didn't for us.)

As you know, the president took the time to personally visit the SGC after learning about the Stargate program. I'm sure the video of him going through the gate has found its way to Atlantis.

What you may not know, however, is that among the things he noted when talking to various people here from Landry to SG-1 and other teams to the gate room staff, was how extraordinary tight knit the teams are. There was an embarrassing moment when Vala talked about our close friendship (and you've met her; you know how she can get) and Landry and I tried to dial that back because obviously fraternization rules only allow certain levels of friendship.

The end of the story was that we decided to make the unofficial handling that we already had here—and from what I hear from Sam, even more so on Atlantis—official. Fraternization rules no longer apply to team members for the SGC.

The change of fraternization rules had only one visible effect and that was Lieutenants Heger and Latereaux of SG-17 dating. It doesn't affect their team dynamic. Oh, and of course, Vala is making her case to Daniel, never mind that she had no idea about the rule's existence in the first place.

I don't expect things to be different for you.

Greetings from Earth

Cameron Mitchell

PS: I've sent you the latest releases of video games for the various consoles. I wish they'd get a permanent connection between Atlantis and the SGC working. How cool would intergalactic competitive gaming be? Maybe you could get McKay to work on this.

~~

John's heart was beating like crazy and his hand was not quite steady when he scrolled back to re-read the letter. It just...

The last time an election had ended with the hope to end the ban on gays in the military, he'd been bitterly disappointed. This time around, he'd told himself to wait and see.

Now he did see. He scrolled through to changes of title 10, United States Code, until he came to § 654 _repealed_. One small word and yet, it changed so much for him that it was hard to grasp. Further down, he saw the new section § 656 "Policy of nondiscrimination based on sexual orientation".

He had to read the words, "may not discriminate on the basis of sexual orientation against any member of the armed forces," to really believe it, but it was there, the new law, the change that he had been waiting for for twenty years. The moment when being an officer in the Air Force and a gay man was no longer a compromise had finally come.

John suddenly remembered a conversation so long ago, the accusation, the utter lack of understanding from the man who claimed to love him. "How can you sacrifice your life for an institution that does not _want_ you?" He hadn't been able to explain it then. And after Paul, nobody had asked him again.

He shook those memories away, because _nothing_ should or _could_ spoil this moment for him. He felt positively giddy. He wanted to run around and tell everyone. He wanted to tell _Rodney_.

Suddenly he remembered the other change, the one that while not as life changing in general was just as important to his greatest wish. The thing he hadn't had a reason to hope for.

He skimmed over the particular changes for the SGC. He was pleased to see that the new president set into place several new policies like a "galaxy shuttle" that would bridge the gap between the closest gates in the Pegasus Galaxy and the Milky Way with the express purpose of allowing members of the Atlantis expedition to go on leave on Earth. But what he was really looking for was the fraternization rules amendment.

It said that the SGC "recognizes the special bond between team members" and that AFI 36-2909 should be applied specifically "by evaluating the effect on morale, discipline and unit cohesion only" and "close relationships and shared activities between team members shall _not_ be considered to invariably adversely affect morale and discipline, instead an individual assessment of such relationships is recommended".

Which meant that fraternization rules would only apply if they were harmful for the team. Which meant that he could not only come out, but that he could ask out Rodney. He could be with Rodney.

If Rodney wanted that.

~~

There were doubts hammering away in John's head, but the truth was he had waited so long for this moment that he couldn't _not_ act on it now. Apart from the fear of rejection, there was the fear that he was running out of time with Rodney.

If he had a chance, _any_ chance at all, he _was_ going to take it.

But first he had to share the news. After he'd informed Lorne and Woolsey, it was decided that an announcement to all of Atlantis over the PA system would be most appropriate. Since this mostly concerned the military and because he _wanted_ to be the one to announce it, John volunteered.

"This is Colonel Sheppard speaking. Don't worry, it's nothing bad," he added, considering the usual reasons for such announcements. "This week the data burst from Earth included a policy change from the new US administration. I am happy," he hesitated for a second, but then decided to go ahead and say it, "and proud to announce that the US military has replaced the policy known as Don't Ask, Don't Tell with a non-discrimination policy."

He could see the personnel in the control room exchanging glances of surprise. A few looked happy. He smiled and continued, "This means that gay, lesbian, and bisexual members of the armed forces can now serve openly." He waited for a moment to let it sink in and then he said what the formal language in the letter of the law really meant. "We no longer have to hide a part of our life from our friends and fellow soldiers." He heard gasps in the control room and a few people were staring at him, obviously picking up on how he had phrased his last sentence. But he wouldn't leave it at that.

He thought of the disdain of his father and Paul and of the pity he'd gotten from Nancy and some of the one-night-stands he'd had over the years. "I don't know how many members of the US military on Atlantis this concerns directly, but I hope that equality concerns _all_ of us, and I do know that it changes _my_ life." He'd waited twenty years for this moment, twenty years of conflict between the man he was and the job he wanted to do. No more. "I've proudly served my country for twenty years, but I've never been prouder than today when I can serve it as an openly gay man." He'd said it. He'd finally said it. John felt a weight lift off his chest.

Everyone in the control room was gaping at him, except those that were _beaming_.

"That is all," he quickly finished. This announcement was just the beginning. "If anyone wants to celebrate with me, I'll be in the mess. _Out._ "

He nodded at Amelia to turn off the PA system. She smiled at him, followed the order and then said, "Congratulations, sir."

"Thank you." He took a deep breath and looked around where people were still watching him. "I'll be in the mess."

~~

He made a detour to his room to get all the beer he had stocked in his fridge. When he arrived, there was already something of a party going on. A few people had brought snacks. Spontaneous applause started, and John flushed as he put his beer on the table next to the snacks. He opened a can for himself and tried to move out of the spot light, which wasn't easy since people came up to him to congratulate him or to just say, "Great news" or to nod at him in support.

However, the attention quickly shifted when Sergeant Miller and Doctor Van Kessel arrived—hand in hand. "I hear there's something to celebrate," Miller joked and Van Kessel leaned over and the ensuing kiss ensured that nobody paid all that much attention to John anymore.

John watched the party from the sidelines, noting the happy faces all around. Not that he would expect those that were less than enthusiastic to show up for the celebration. But they'd just have to deal with the changes. And if they couldn't, John would _make_ them deal or send them back to Earth.

His eyes scanned the crowd, but Rodney was nowhere to be seen. Of course, he was always busy, possibly doing an experiment that he couldn't tear himself away from even for half an hour. By the time someone had brought in a stereo loaded with gay pride songs, Ronon and Teyla arrived. They immediately joined him where he stood at the wall.

"People seem _very_ happy," Teyla said, smiling but also frowning at the display of grown men and women dancing with each other.

"They are," John said.

"What was that policy change again?" Ronon asked.

John looked at him and Teyla, who also seemed to be curious. He had never told them about Don't Ask, Don't Tell. There had never been an occasion to mention it other than talk about his own relationships or lack thereof. He wasn't sure why he hadn't told any of his team. He trusted them. Maybe it was that telling them wouldn't have changed anything. The only one he'd really _wanted_ to tell was _Rodney_.

"Gays, lesbians, and bisexuals weren't allowed to openly serve in the US military. They had to keep it a secret."

Teyla looked saddened and just a bit angry, which made John smile. "That does not seem fair," she said.

"It wasn't," John confirmed.

"Does McKay know you're gay?" Ronon asked.

John was a bit surprised by the blunt question, but answered truthfully. "I never told him."

"Hmm," was the only thing Ronon answered.

"Was this the reason that you never sought a relationship?" Teyla asked him. It was a very personal question, but John could see that it wasn't curiosity but rather concern that had made her ask.

"It seemed simpler," John said by way of explanation.

Ronon bumped him with his elbow. John looked around and saw Ronon looking at the door, where a few scientists had just arrived, armed with unmarked bottles—and Rodney. Rodney took in the party with a healthy amount of incredulity and then finally saw him.

John smiled widely, he couldn't help it. Rodney hesitated for just a moment, looking at the ground, before he walked over to them.

"I see your country has finally joined us in the twenty-first century," he said with an arrogant smile.

John tried to think of a suitably cutting comeback, but he was too happy to come up with something. So instead he said, "Dance with me."

Rodney looked completely nonplussed. Ronon snorted and Teyla looked at them with an indulgent smile.

John took Rodney's hand and dragged him to what had become the dance floor. "Sheppard, I'm not sure..." But John just pulled him into his arms as Gloria Gaynor started singing _I am what I am_. Someone wolf-whistled at them and John grinned at Rodney and Rodney rolled his eyes and said, "Fine."

John put his hand around Rodney's hips and Rodney put his arms around John's neck. "I hope you're aware that there'll be footage of this available on Atlantis servers until the end of all time," Rodney griped. John started moving his hips to the music. "God, you're a _terrible_ dancer." John laughed out loud. Rodney moved one arm down to John's hip to guide him a bit closer to Rodney, so that they could move to the music—together.

It took John's breath away to be so close to Rodney. They only swayed a bit to the music, but to John it felt as if Rodney had completely surrounded him. They looked at each other and John saw uncertainty in Rodney's eyes, but also awareness. They had finally come to this point. After almost five years, they could take their relationship one step further towards that _thing_ that had grown between them over time.

Never in his life had he felt this kind of anticipation. Never in his life had he wanted something this badly. He wished he could stop time and never let this moment end. But eventually the music began to fade out, and John wasn't quite sure if this was the right time and place.

Rodney answered the question by pulling away. "I have a simulation running," he said.

"Okay," John said, even though he really didn't want to let Rodney go. "I'll see you later," he added.

Rodney nodded, turned around and left. John watched him go until someone tipped at his shoulder. He was about to apologize for standing in the way, when he saw a bright smile and heard, "Care to dance?" John looked at where Rodney disappeared from his view, then turned back to the tall, blond scientist, Doctor Henley was his name if he recalled correctly.

John gave him a quick smile. He danced with Henley and a few others that afternoon, but with no one the way he'd danced with Rodney.

~~

People went back to work eventually and so did John. He reviewed all the paper work that had been sent to prepare a complete outline of the changes that the data burst had brought, so that he and Lorne could inform the team leaders.

It took longer than he thought and by the time he went to the mess hall for dinner, his team was nowhere in sight. He quickly ate at a table of biologists who were discussing problems with some grain or another. Then he went to find Rodney.

He wasn't too surprised that Rodney was still working. For a moment he simply watched him typing and frowning. John smiled.

"Did you want something or are you just going to stand there all day?" Rodney said without turning around.

"The day is pretty much over," John said, coming closer.

Rodney turned around. "Oh, it's you," he said, looking just a bit...uneasy. John chalked it up to nervousness. He could relate to that. What he was about to do would change everything between them. It _was_ nerve-wracking. But it was also the most exciting thing he could imagine.

"Yes, it's me. It's getting pretty late. Why don't you call it a night?"

"I just wanted to..." Rodney began. "Oh, who am I kidding. I'm not going to finish this tonight anyway." He sounded a bit tired.

John closed the distance between them and put his hand on his shoulder. "Hey. Tomorrow is another day."

Rodney turned around in the chair and looked at John's hand on his shoulder, before turning to look at John with an expression that sent a shiver down his spine, but not in a good way.

"John," Rodney began, and John knew that he was going to say something like _This isn't a good idea_ , but Rodney was _wrong_.

"No," John said.

Rodney looked taken aback. "No?"

"No," John repeated calmly.

"You don't even know what—" Rodney stopped himself. "Or maybe you do."

John took Rodney's hands in his and pulled him into a standing position, even though Rodney was reluctant and looked away. "John, please don't—"

But John didn't want to hear the doubts and reasons. The one _good_ reason why they couldn't be together was finally gone. Everything else they'd be able to work out.

He took Rodney's face in his hands and turned it towards him, before leaning in to capture his mouth in a kiss. Rodney didn't immediately react, but he didn't push him away either, and when John started moving his lips against Rodney's, he felt some movement in return.

He smiled and opened his mouth to deepen the kiss. He felt Rodney do the same, and Rodney's hands move to his waist and for one moment it was absolute perfection.

Then Rodney pulled away hard enough to escape from John's hold.

"I'm sorry," Rodney said, breathing just a bit more heavily than he usually did. "I can't... I'm not... There's someone else," he eventually managed, avoiding John's gaze.

"Someone else?" John asked. He'd noticed something going on between Rodney and Keller, or not going _on_ so much as a vibe for potential. But as far as he'd known they'd never even gone out together.

"I'm sorry," Rodney repeated, still not looking at John.

"Keller," John said flatly. He couldn't believe that he was too late. He couldn't believe that life would hand him the key to the greatest treasure imaginable and then replace the lock. Before Rodney could say he was sorry once again, John tried to say something. "I didn't know you two were together," he said and was proud at how neutral it sounded.

"We're not, but..."

John frowned. Rodney wasn't actually with Jennifer and still rejected him? Unfortunately, that was very easy to explain. He was in love with Jennifer. And whatever that _thing_ between them was, it wasn't love. At least not for Rodney.

"I'm sorry," Rodney said again and this time he looked at John.

"Yeah," John said and nodded. "I'm sorry too," he added, because he was—more than he could say.

He turned around and left. He walked through the halls of Atlantis on his way to his quarters, trying to calm down, trying to accept what had just happened.

Earlier that day he'd feared that something like this might happen, but after the dance and the kiss—and dammit, Rodney had returned that kiss, at least for a moment—he'd been sure that he wasn't alone with his feelings.

He tried to keep down the anger that was rising in him and the frustration. He'd been waiting for this moment half his life. Nobody could take that away from him. So maybe he didn't have a chance with Rodney. But that no longer meant that he had to remain alone. Several men had danced with him earlier and he was pretty sure some of them wouldn't mind dating him.

John went to bed, thinking of his father and Paul and how he could tell them, "From now on I can," if they weren't in another galaxy or dead.

But in the end, no amount of trying to cheer himself up changed the fact that being able to be with a man didn't mean a whole lot when the man that he wanted didn't want him back.

~~

John began the morning with one simple mantra.

_It doesn't matter._

He repeated it to himself during his run and in the shower and on his way to breakfast. It didn't matter because it was never meant to be. The fact that fraternization rules had been changed along with the repeal of Don't Ask, Don't Tell had been a fluke. He'd been Rodney's friend for almost five years and he'd never really thought that he'd have the chance to be with him.

Now he wouldn't and it would be okay. Really.

Once he entered the mess hall, he braced himself for the sight of Rodney. He was already sitting with Teyla and Ronon. It felt... Okay, he couldn't help remembering the look on Rodney's face when he'd told John he was sorry for the third time, how deeply unhappy he'd been.

John loaded his tray and then took a deep breath, put on a smile, and walked over to them.

"Good morning," he said cheerfully and fake or not it did make him feel just a bit better.

Teyla smiled widely at him, "Good morning, John. We missed you at dinner yesterday."

"Paperwork," he said. He looked over to Rodney, whose gaze was firmly on his tray before eventually moving up to face John's.

John smiled reassuringly, trying to convey, "It's okay, buddy. We're still friends."

Rodney sighed a bit in relief and smiled back, before returning his attention to breakfast.

They'd be okay. _John_ would be okay. He tried to cling to the positive. He'd come out yesterday to everyone on Atlantis and they'd celebrated with him. He'd danced with a couple of guys and this being Atlantis most of them were smart, with a sense of humor. And some were even pretty hot.

_That_ was what had changed the day before. _That_ was the future that he could still have. _That_ was the only thing he should be thinking about, because there was no point in mourning something that had never been his in the first place.

He looked over to the other tables to see if some of his dance partners from yesterday were there. He saw people, women and men, randomly smiling at him. He smiled back. Then he saw Henley, who caught his eye and smiled in a slightly different way.

John turned towards him in his chair, leaning his arm on the back, and then tilted his head and gave him a seductive smile. He felt a bit awkward doing it, openly flirting with a man, in an environment where everyone knew who and what he was. But it was also exciting. Henley seemed amused, but definitely interested, when suddenly there was a crash at John's table.

He looked around to see Rodney fuming. "I have to _go_ ," he spat out, pulling the tray away so forcefully that his mini-muffin rolled onto the table.

What the fuck? John wanted to jump up, go after him and ask what the hell his problem was. _He_ had turned down John after all. God, Rodney was always like this when John so much as looked at another woman—and now apparently a man. It spanned the range from arrogant mocking to downright hissy fits. John had always thought it was twenty percent competition and eighty percent jealousy.

Of course, that had been before Rodney had rejected him, but damn it, it still looked and felt like jealousy to John. The mess hall had turned quiet after Rodney's exit. Henley was looking at John awkwardly and Teyla and Ronon looked like... Oh boy. They looked like they were about to tell him that John shouldn't be so blind and go after him, because it was pretty damn _obvious_ that Rodney had feelings for him that weren't compatible with John seeing anyone else. This whole thing was really just such a fucking mess that John would laugh if it wasn't so sad.

John didn't exactly want to tell them what had happened last night. And he wasn't quite sure how he could get across that after that dance and after returning that kiss, Rodney had told him that he wanted someone else. Hell, after the display this morning it made even less sense.

It made no sense at all.

John's mind slowed down and tried to go over the evidence again. Rodney had been trying to hold back something ever since John's public announcement. John had chalked it up to a certain awkwardness, but there was the dance and how Rodney had moved with him and looked at him. Last night he'd tried not to think about how utterly wrong he'd been in thinking that they were on the same page, but today John realized that he _hadn't_ been wrong. For one moment, Rodney _had_ kissed back. He'd put his hands on John, he'd opened up for John, he had _wanted_ John.

And he _still_ wanted John. God, what the hell was wrong with Rodney? And this time he meant it as a serious question, one that he'd get to the bottom of.

He gulped down his breakfast, ignoring Teyla and Ronon, then took Rodney's mini-muffin. "I'll go after him," he told Teyla and Ronon and hastily got up and left.

"Good luck," Ronon called after him.

_I'll need it_ , John thought to himself.

~~

On his way to Rodney's lab, John tried to think of the right approach, because he doubted, "I know what you think, but you're wrong. You're in love with _me_ and not Keller," would cut it. No, he really needed to figure out why Rodney was in so much denial, possibly self-denial.

He entered the lab and placed the mini-muffin on Rodney's desk.

Rodney didn't move, not even to type. John wondered if he was waiting for John to leave. Well, he wouldn't. Eventually Rodney took the mini-muffin and looked at John.

"Thank you," he said. He looked more angry with himself now than with John, which was more appropriate, but not what John wanted. He wanted Rodney to be happy. Especially since he now believed that it was John who'd _make_ him happy.

Rodney turned back to the screen and stuffed the mini-muffin into his mouth. John realized that this wasn't the right place to have this conversation.

"Let's have dinner together tonight," he suggested.

Rodney's expression turned wary at once. "John, I told you—"

"As _friends_ ," John said to nip that protest in the bud. Then he added more quietly, "We are still friends, aren't we?" No matter how things turned out, their friendship would always be the basis of their relationship. He wanted to reassure Rodney of that—and himself.

"Yes," Rodney said decisively. "Yes, we are."

"Six thirty then? My place?" John asked.

Rodney hesitated.

"I won't kiss you again, I promise. Not unless you want me to." John tried to make it sound like a joke, but wasn't sure how successful he was.

"Okay," Rodney said with a sigh. "Will you get the food from the mess? I think we'll have chickano today."

"Yes, Rodney," John said. "I know what you like," he added just a bit saucily, turning and leaving before Rodney's flustering could make him change his mind about tonight.

~~

"You shaved," was the first thing Rodney said when John opened the door. Then he looked John up and down. "And you dressed up. I told you this isn't a date."

"I remember, Rodney. I do shave on occasion. And get out of my uniform for the evening."

Rodney eyed him suspiciously. John waited patiently until he finally decided to enter John's room.

John had made sure not to overdo it. He'd simply pulled out the foldable table and chairs that they sometimes used to play chess and placed the trays and glasses on top of that. He had a little chocolatey surprise waiting in the fridge, but that was for later. For now, the fact that he'd shaved and put on a light blue shirt and faded jeans was enough to rouse Rodney's suspicion. But he'd wanted to do it. He wanted to signal to Rodney that while he _agreed_ that this wasn't a date, he was still up for that.

The simple set-up of the table seemed to reassure Rodney and he quickly took a seat and dug in as soon as John had joined him.

"I love this stuff," Rodney said. "Best trade agreement we ever negotiated."

John smiled. "Maybe we could put some culinary missions back on rotation. The galaxy shuttle will allow for a quicker journey to Earth, but it's not ideal for mass transportation of goods."

"You think they'll cut down on Daedalus and Apollo runs?" Rodney asked.

"It's a possibility. The shuttle will not run by itself and even if they won't cut down on the runs, we could always use more space on board. Plus, it's good to go local. Ecologically speaking."

Rodney snorted. "I'm not sure interplanetary counts as local."

"It does if it's just one step through the gate."

"But the gate isn't energy neutral," Rodney pointed out. "Although, I'll give you that it's a far cry from each run of the Daedalus."

"And maybe we could find something that's better than chickano," John pointed out.

Rodney got a dreamy look for a moment. "I wonder how much we could make on Earth with this stuff."

"'For an out of this world taste...'" John said in a commercial like voice.

Rodney laughed. "Kidding aside, more culinary missions might not be a bad idea. With the lower travel time from the galaxy shuttle we might see higher personnel rotation again and they'll want more of their crap."

"What you mean is _you_ want more of _your_ crap," John teased.

Rodney was aghast. "I'm the most responsible person in the whole physics department."

"Rodney, your whole lab is filled with _junk_."

"It's not _junk_. Those are highly sensitive, indispensable tools for my daily operations."

"They're toys, Rodney. And you deserve them like the rest of us."

Rodney huffed.

"We need to keep your genius in good spirits," John added affectionately.

"I'm glad you realize that," Rodney said stiffly, but then continued to eat.

"I always wanted you to be happy," John added more seriously.

Rodney looked at him and swallowed the bite in his mouth. "John," he began. "I wanted to apologize for this morning. I was out of line."

"Yes, you were," John agreed. "I'd just like to know _why_."

Rodney lowered his gaze to the table. "I don't know. I just... It's always so easy for you."

So Rodney was playing the competition card. It might be more believable if he was actually able to look at John while he did it.

"Why haven't you asked Keller out?" John asked. He certainly didn't want to push Rodney on it, but it was a legitimate question. The answer to which he suspected had a lot to do with his feelings for John.

Rodney kept his gaze on the table. "As long as I don't ask her, she can't say no."

Fear of rejection. John could relate to that, but he also knew that it didn't make any sense. "She also can't say yes. And if she _will_ say no, wouldn't it be better to know, so that you can move on?" John asked reasonably.

"You mean like you," Rodney said, finally looking at John again. There was bitterness in his voice and face.

God, that Rodney couldn't see this. "You don't want me to date another guy." It wasn't a question.

Rodney deflated and shook his head, looking away again. "No, it's not—"

"No, Rodney, it's exactly that. You do _not_ want me to date anyone else."

Rodney looked up, frowning and defensive. Then he turned his gaze away and said angrily under his breath, "You're right. Fuck."

John knew that he was angry with himself. He still didn't know what was going on in Rodney's head exactly and he suspected that Rodney didn't know himself. He needed to get a bigger picture of all of this. So he asked, "Have you ever dated a guy?"

Rodney looked up, clearly not expecting such a question. "Dated, no," he said after a moment.

"But sex," John guessed.

Rodney looked away then back to him and nodded.

"Hand jobs," John suggested.

"In high school, yeah. And then in college, blow jobs and..."

"Fucking?"

"With one guy, yes." Rodney got a faraway look as if recalling those times. He didn't look happy. "We were friends," he told John. "Really, most of the gay sex that I...practiced was a helping hand, buddy fuck or whatever you want to call it. The lab where I was stationed in Russia was all male."

"You were never in love with any of them?" John asked.

"No," Rodney said, but there was a tiny note of hesitation in there.

"Tell me more about that one guy," John said, because his instinct told him that he was the one that made Rodney hesitate, that he might be the key to cracking this mystery—and convincing Rodney that he was wrong.

"There's not much to tell," Rodney said, but he was evading John's gaze again.

"You said you were friends," John prompted.

"Yes. We were best friends while I was working on my first doctorate. I was working insane hours, but he kept me sane, brought me fresh food and well..."

"Slept with you," John finished for him.

"Yes," Rodney confirmed. "He spent nearly every night at my place." He wasn't looking at John any longer. His expression seemed bittersweet.

"What happened?" John asked quietly.

"I met a girl," Rodney said.

Ouch. Was this what he was trying to tell John? That he slept with guys, but fell in love with women? John didn't believe it. Because Rodney cared about him, not just as a friend. He cared as a guy who got pissy at even the idea that John could date someone else.

"So you decided to break up with him," John said, preparing for the next question: 'Did you ever regret it?' Only the answer wasn't what he'd expected.

Rodney's eyes narrowed and he looked at John. "What? No. I... We weren't... I just told him that I'd met this girl and he just...he left and never came back."

John stared. "You were with this guy, quasi _living_ with him for what, a year?"

"Fifteen months," Rodney said barely above a whisper.

"And then one day you came home and said, 'Hey, I met this great girl.' Was that what happened?"

Rodney looked as miserable as John had ever seen him. "God," he said and covered his eyes.

John didn't say anything and let the realization sink in for Rodney. It couldn't be easy to realize that you'd hurt your best friend badly, even if it was unintentional. And even worse than that—at least for Rodney—might be how blind he'd been to what had really happened. John had his own share of self-denial, but it was nothing compared to Rodney, who hadn't realized he'd been in a relationship with a guy for _over a year_.

Rodney removed his hand and said with a bitter snort, "And I felt really betrayed by him too. He just abandoned me when I needed him. I had no idea why he'd do that."

"He never told you that he loved you?"

Rodney evaded his gaze again instead of answering, which was answer enough. And John had thought that Rodney was oblivious _now_. However, more important than what Rodney's friend, boyfriend really, had felt was what Rodney had felt.

"Did you love him?" John asked.

Rodney looked up. "I cared about him. More than about the girl that I'd told him about."

And there they were. He just had to take that sentence and replace Rodney's then best friend with his now best friend John and the girl with Keller and he was set.

"I should go," Rodney said abruptly, getting up from the table.

"No, wait," John said, also getting up. Rodney was obviously not going to continue _that_ conversation for now, but John still didn't want him to go like this. "I've got dessert."

Rodney hesitated. "What?"

"Mousse au chocolat."

Rodney's eyes widened. "If that's what you do for _not_ dates, what will you be serving for _dates_?"

John immediately noticed his use of future tense rather than anything conditional. 

Rodney seemed to notice it too, because he backpedaled. "Not that..."

"It's in the fridge. Should I get it?" John asked.

Rodney nodded, but John didn't go until he sat down again. He was tempted to lock the door first, afraid that Rodney might make a run for it, but he supposed he had to trust him. John moved to the fridge and got out the mousse au chocolat, relieved to see that Rodney didn't move from the table.

John set down one bowl in front of Rodney and the other in front of his own seat, before sitting down again.

Rodney took a spoonful into his mouth and then closed his eyes. When he opened them again he looked straight at John with a hint of a blissful smile on his face. "It's delicious," he said reverently.

"I love you," John said in answer. He was almost as surprised as Rodney, which was a bit ridiculous because _both_ of them knew it. John hadn't planned to say it. It had just come out. Maybe because he wanted to make sure that when Rodney thought about the best friend from his past, who'd really been much more, he kept in mind that John loved him too. Maybe he just wanted to make sure that Rodney knew it not just subconsciously, but in a way that even _he_ couldn't deny. Or maybe he'd simply wanted to say it for such a long time.

"I love you too," Rodney said, and John nearly dropped his spoon as his heart skipped a beat. "I'm just not sure how," Rodney added.

John's heart was still beating hard in his chest. "You'll figure it out," he finally managed.

Rodney nodded and they went back to eating. They kept exchanging glances, and Rodney made pleased noises every now and then, and each time John wondered if Rodney would make those same noises if John kissed him again.

When they were done, Rodney said, "That was excellent, thank you."

"You're welcome," John said. "Any time," he added with a wry smile that acknowledged how much he meant it.

Rodney smiled back. Then he turned around and went to the door, but stopped before opening it.

John got a weird feeling in his stomach and not a good one, so he braced himself when Rodney turned around again.

"I'm going out with Jennifer tomorrow, on a date," he said.

"When did you ask her?" John asked, trying to remind himself that after Rodney's revelation tonight, it might not mean anything anymore.

"She asked _me_ actually. Today."

John tried to think about that. He hadn't seen Keller since the last senior staff meeting. He found it hard to believe that Keller would choose today of all days to ask Rodney out on a date when she, like Rodney, hadn't done anything about their apparent feelings for months. John suddenly thought about his dance with Rodney and the equally public scene that morning.

He tried to put himself in Keller's place. Maybe she was unsure of Rodney's feelings or she was waiting for him to read the signs and ask her out already. And then word got to her about how he and Rodney had danced _very_ close at the party the day before and that Rodney had had a fit of jealousy at breakfast. She could have taken it as defeat, but instead she'd taken her chances to see where she really stood.

She'd done the very same thing that John had done. She was going to fight for Rodney. And John couldn't blame her.

"Are you going to go?" John asked, hoping against hope that their dinner had changed Rodney's mind.

Rodney thought about it, and John knew what the answer would be when he averted his gaze. "Yes."

"Okay," John said. It was Rodney's decision. He had to accept that, but he didn't have to accept defeat. Rodney had said himself that he wasn't sure how he felt about John, how he _loved_ him. So there was still a chance. He could have dinner with Keller too, just like he'd had with John. Although it wasn't quite a level playing field. John could only try to make it one. He'd already lost in simple semantics, his _dinner_ with Rodney versus her _date_ with him. So he had to make sure it stayed at that level. He had to make sure that they wouldn't do anything that he would probably not get a chance to compete with. "Don't sleep with her."

"What?!" Rodney gaped at him.

"Please," John said.

"I wasn't _going_ to." Rodney looked affronted.

"Then you can promise me." John didn't particularly care at this point if he was pleading.

Rodney frowned, then rolled his eyes. "I promise I won't sleep with her."

John breathed a sigh of relief.

"Happy now?" Rodney asked impatiently.

"Not quite yet, but we'll get there," John said.

For a moment they just looked at each other, two men who had confessed their love for each other and yet whose relationship was more in limbo than ever before.

"Good night, John," Rodney eventually said.

"Good night, Rodney," John answered and watched him go.

When he went to bed that night he tried not to think about Rodney's date with Keller. But he also couldn't quite bring himself to fantasize about being the one that Rodney chose.

Rodney loved him. That wouldn't change either way. And _that_ was what he clung to as he finally fell asleep.

~~

When John entered the mess hall the next morning, he saw Keller sitting next to Rodney. Ronon and Teyla weren't there yet. Although even if they had been, John would have sat with Rodney. There was no point in conceding even an inch, and he wanted Rodney to stay aware of John and his feelings for Rodney.

"Morning," he said lightly as he put down his tray next to Keller, opposite Rodney.

"Morning," Rodney mumbled, flushing slightly as he caught sight of John.

John's smile widened into a grin. The side of Rodney's mouth tugged upwards a bit in answer. Rodney was reacting to him. This was good. Very good.

"I haven't had a chance to congratulate you, John," Keller said.

John turned to her, still smiling. "Thank you."

"It really was about time. I mean their reasons were just...bullshit."

John laughed. Despite everything, he did appreciate her vehement support. "Can't say I disagree with you. It _was_ long overdue."

"And I hear you've put the changes to good use," she said.

John's gaze flickered to Rodney for a moment, whose eyes widened.

"Word is you and Doctor Henley got pretty close at the party," she continued, and John had to give it to her, it _almost_ sounded completely normal. And if she _hadn't_ asked Rodney out in what John could only assume was a direct reaction to John dancing with him, he might not even have noticed anything. As it was, he heard the slight break in her voice that made it sound just a bit stilted, just a bit practiced.

He wasn't sure what she was trying to do here. Did she actually think that he was interested in Henley? John didn't believe for a second that she _hadn't_ heard about his dance with _Rodney_. Or was she suggesting it in hopes that he would agree? Maybe she wanted it for her own peace of mind to reassure herself that she had no competition for Rodney from him.

In which case she was going to be bitterly disappointed. "We did, but I danced with a couple of people. And I'm pretty sure I got closest to _Rodney_." He looked over to Rodney with a slightly flirty smile and continued, "And he was definitely my favorite dance partner."

Rodney flushed again and looked close to making a 'stop talking' gesture with his hand.

"Well, maybe I can find out how well he can dance when we go out on our date," Keller said, putting slight emphasis on the last word.

John turned back to her and she smiled at him, but there was challenge there. He didn't miss a beat and just smiled back. He could see her smile faltering. She probably hadn't expected him to know about their date.

"Right," John said friendly. "Rodney told me about that last night." He also put a slight emphasis on the last word.

"Where would we go dancing?" Rodney interrupted their little showdown. They both turned to him.

"I could put up some music in my room," Keller said, leaning towards him and smiling.

"Uh," Rodney said. "Yes, I guess we could do that."

John nearly laughed out loud. He wasn't really sure why Rodney sounded so unenthused by the idea. Their dancing the day before had been _very_ nice. Then again, Rodney had been reluctant then too. Either way, John was grateful, because it made Keller sit up straight and stumble out, "We don't have to."

"Yes, I mean...I was thinking dinner at my place," Rodney said awkwardly.

"That sounds nice," Keller said. She leaned closer to Rodney and put her hand on his. "A romantic dinner, then hanging out a bit and see what happens."

Rodney's eyes seemed to glaze over at her pretty obvious intentions, and John wanted to kick his shin to remind him of his promise. Then he thought of something better. He set his foot down next to Rodney's and started moving it up to his calf.

Rodney abruptly pulled back from the table, nearly toppling his chair over. He looked at John and Keller in turn, then gulped. "I'll pick you up at seven in the infirmary. Okay?"

"I'm looking forward to it," Keller said, smiling widely.

Rodney nodded, still looking more flustered than happy about his upcoming date, which was just how John wanted him. When he turned to go, John called after him, "Hey Rodney."

"I know, I know. I haven't forgotten," Rodney called back without turning around.

John grinned. When he turned back to the table, Keller was watching him. He smiled politely at her and started eating.

She looked as if she wanted to say something. John was ready for it. For any question, for a declaration of war, for her surrender.

In the end, she continued eating without saying anything.

John was almost disappointed. And then he felt slightly guilty for that. They were colleagues after all, and whatever happened they'd still have to work together. Charging up the situation like this between them wasn't doing any good in that respect. And he didn't have anything against Keller. She was a nice person and a great doctor.

But he simply couldn't help feeling that in this fight he couldn't afford to pull any punches. He wouldn't do anything to risk his chances of winning.

~~

John entered Rodney's lab, later that morning, armed with a Life Sign Detector.

"I think this is due for recalibration," he said, placing it in front of Rodney.

Rodney turned his chair and looked at it, then John. "Right. And why are you bringing it to me instead of Zelenka or any technician on this base? Because a trained monkey could do this. _You_ could do this if you cared to learn how."

"I was in the neighborhood," John said casually.

"Doing what? Checking out the fascinating Atlantean architecture outside in the hall?" Then his expression turned from arrogant to smug. "We both know why you're here."

"Do we?" John asked playfully.

"Go ahead and ask," Rodney dared him with a smile.

"When will you go out with me?" John asked. "On a date," he added to avoid any kind of misunderstanding.

Rodney's face fell. "I thought you wanted to ask what I was planning for my date with Jennifer."

"I _know_ what you're planning there. Dinner and _not_ having sex." It couldn't hurt to remind Rodney of the latter.

"You could ask what I'm going to wear," Rodney said, challenging John.

"You could answer my question," John said, not falling for his distraction.

Rodney's face fell again. "I'm not going to answer before tonight."

Fair enough. It wasn't a yes, but more importantly it wasn't a no either. Rodney was _considering_ this, which was already miles away from the rejection John had suffered two days before.

"Your blue shirt," John said. "Brings out the color of your eyes."

Rodney's eyes widened. Then he smiled a self-deprecating smile. "Now you're just screwing with me."

John avoided the obvious pun for something real. "I'm not. You have lovely eyes."

Rodney stared at him as if he couldn't believe that John was serious.

"What? You think I've been in love with you for... a long time," John decided on saying because years sounded dangerously pathetic, even though it was true, "and never noticed your eyes?"

"I just..." Rodney trailed off uncertainly.

"I notice everything about you." It was the truth. And it was surprisingly easy to say these things. John had always felt awkward about giving compliments even if he meant them, but with Rodney he'd been holding back for so long that now that he didn't have to any more, now that laying it all out in the open was his best chance to finally get what he wanted, it was almost impossible _not_ to say all those things that he'd felt for years. "Your wide shoulders, the biceps when you're wearing just a shirt and the permanently hard nipples, let's not forget those. And there's your nose and your mouth, when it's doing that thing," he said pointing at Rodney, whose lips had a slight downward slant on the left, "and how soft your hair looks and how pale your skin is and your goddamn eyelashes." John made himself stop.

Rodney looked completely stunned.

"I notice it all," John repeated barely above a whisper. Then he leaned forward and down so that he could whisper in Rodney's ear. "And I want it all."

He could sense the shudder than ran down Rodney's spine. John pulled back a bit to look at Rodney's face. He had closed his eyes and was breathing hard. John was tempted to kiss him again, but he didn't want to force Rodney to push him away.

He waited for Rodney to open his eyes. When he did, their gazes met and John parted his lips and waited for Rodney to lean in. Rodney's gaze dipped down to John's lips and his own parted as well. He licked his lip then looked back up to John's eyes. John could see his struggle there, what he wanted against what he thought he should do. Unfortunately, the latter was winning for now.

Rodney turned his attention to the Life Signs Detector. John straightened and let him do the calibration. It only took a few seconds.

Rodney handed him the device. "Here you go," he said.

"Thank you," John said, making sure to brush his fingers against Rodney's as he took it.

~~

He made certain that he had lunch with Rodney that day, watching him all the time and thinking very loudly about all the things he wanted to do with him. Every now and then Rodney met his gaze and flushed.

That afternoon he went to Rodney again, bringing a special weapon. Khathenas were a cross between a dried fruit and a nut, both chewy and crunchy, and Rodney was crazy about them. They were quite rare and the Rhytaer had only once gifted them with a small pouch of Khathenas—at least as far as Rodney knew.

Lorne's team had been able to help out the Rhytaer on a mission a few weeks ago, which had resulted in another pouch of Khathenas that nobody knew about except John and Lorne's team. The Khathenas were nonperishable and John had saved them for a special occasion.

When he entered the lab, Rodney turned around to him and smiled exasperatedly. "What now? You've found another Life Signs Detector to calibrate?"

John just looked at Rodney, smiling enigmatically, with his hands behind his back.

"Okay, what's that behind your back. I hope it's nothing...well, you know," Rodney said, flushing a deep red.

John smiled. Rodney turning red was both sweet and kind of hot and John didn't even want to contemplate not ever getting to see that and every other way his body would react to John. He was going to win him.

He slowly moved the pouch of Khathenas into sight.

Rodney's eyes grew huge. "Are those...?" he asked, a slight tremble in his voice. One of his hands reached out towards John.

"Lorne brought them back a while ago," John said, nodding in confirmation.

"And you didn't tell me!" Rodney's blazing gaze turned to John for a second, before returning the Khathenas.

"They're all yours," John said softly.

Rodney's gaze melted into complete adoration—for the Khathenas that was. John smiled indulgently, watching as Rodney's hand moved towards the pouch. Then Rodney pulled back the hand and looked at John.

"You know that if I choose you, it won't be because of bribes?" Rodney asked seriously.

"Yes, I know," John responded in kind. He did know that. And a part of him was as sure as he'd ever been about anything that Rodney had already made his decision, even if he was still in denial about it, holding on to feelings for Keller that had never been real. But the other part was very afraid to lose Rodney—either because the feelings for her were real after all or because his denial ran too deep—and for _that_ part, John had to do _everything_ in his power to win Rodney over. "But it can't hurt either," he said with a small smile.

"Nope," Rodney said, quickly grabbing the pouch.

John laughed. Rodney took a single Khathena out of the pouch and put it in his mouth. He reverently chewed on it and closed his eyes. Then he swallowed and opened them again. Gratitude was shining in his eyes as he looked at John.

"You're welcome," John said with a grin.

Rodney grinned back and after another longing gaze at the pouch put it in a lockable drawer.

John figured it was time to go. He'd only wanted to remind Rodney one more time of how much he meant to John—in a way that appealed to his baser senses.

"I'll leave you to work," he said.

Rodney nodded. John turned around, when he heard Rodney call after him.

"John." John turned back to Rodney. Rodney looked thoughtful. "What if Don't Ask, Don't Tell hadn't been repealed, at least not now?"

John considered the question. "I would have kept doing what I've always done," he said truthfully. "I would have been your friend. I would have pretended that it doesn't matter to me when you're dating someone else. And I would have tried to make you spend as much time with me as possible."

Rodney took that in. "We could have hidden our relationship," he said eventually. "It's not as if Miller and Van Kessel started dating two days ago."

John wasn't sure what to say. Rodney was right of course. But Don't Ask, Don't Tell and the possible consequences of being found out put a special strain on any relationship. And John didn't have a particular good track record with relationships to begin with. Of course, he didn't want to tell Rodney this. He didn't want to give him a reason to doubt that they would work out, because even if it wouldn't always be sunshine and roses, John was sure that they _could_ make it work if they really wanted to.

Of course, there was another legitimate reason tied to the consequences if they'd ever been caught. "Yes," John said. "But I didn't ever want to be in a position where I would have to choose between my job and you." He remembered the fight with Paul and how it had made him feel. It remained one of the worst moments of his life.

"I see," Rodney said and he averted his gaze.

John was puzzled by this reaction until he understood that Rodney had to think that John meant the pain of giving up their relationship when the truth was something else entirely.

Paul had wanted to make him choose, had given him an ultimatum that in the end had made John feel misunderstood and disrespected. He might have chosen Paul over joining the Air Force, but after that fight, it was impossible to stay with him.

It was the opposite with Rodney. He couldn't imagine Rodney being so demanding to the point where he showed no care at all about John and the choices he'd made in his life. Not after what they'd been through together on Atlantis. Rodney would understand if he chose his vocation over being able to be open about their relationship, hell, he understood, even expected in this hypothetical case that John would choose his job over any relationship at all.

But John could never have chosen his job over Rodney. He took his responsibility as commanding officer very seriously, but given the choice, he would have given up that position to be with Rodney. Unfortunately, it wasn't as easy as that. As sure as he was what his choice would have been, it would still have meant a sacrifice not only for John, but Rodney as well if they had to leave Atlantis—and John couldn't see how he could have stayed after resigning. There would have always been the possibility that they would have had to return to Earth and give up something they love to be with each other. _That_ was the reason why hiding their relationship hadn't been a viable option for him.

"I would have chosen _you_ ," he said. He could try to explain the rest, but this one thing was what he _needed_ Rodney to know.

Rodney looked up, surprised.

John didn't know what to say. Rodney still didn't seem to grasp how deep John's feelings for him ran. "I'll always choose you," John added, hoping that it would finally get through Rodney's thick skull.

Rodney's expression was awed and almost humbled, as if he wasn't sure he deserved John's devotion. John couldn't bear it. He took a step closer, brushed his hand through Rodney's hair and told him, "You _deserve_ it," before kissing him softly on his temple.

When he withdrew, Rodney turned to him, looking stunned and soft-eyed and entirely speechless. It suddenly occurred to John what a risk that move had been. It could have been too much. Rodney could have pushed him away again or at the very least leaned out of his reach, but he _hadn't_. In fact, he looked as if John had given him one of the most precious gifts imaginable. Like a ZPM in the form of three simple words and a heartfelt gesture.

John softly stroked Rodney's cheek and smiled. Rodney looked at him as if it took him a moment to comprehend where he was and what had just happened.

John knew that Rodney _was_ going to go on his date with Keller, but he wasn't afraid of it. Maybe Rodney couldn't see that he'd already made his choice. Maybe Rodney couldn't easily let go of the feelings he'd _thought_ he'd had for quite some time. John could wait one more night.

Keller would have her shot at this. She could try to convince Rodney that she loved him more than John did and that what Rodney really wanted and needed was _her_. She could try, but she would fail.

She didn't stand a chance, so John could let them have their date. In the end, Rodney would choose John, because he'd _already_ chosen him. He simply didn't know it yet.

"I'll see you tomorrow," John said.

Rodney nodded, still speechless.

John turned and left. Rodney's date with Keller would be in an hour. For John the wait for the rest of his life to begin had just started.

~~

John had a hasty dinner before seven. When it was time for Rodney to pick Keller up, John retreated to his own room, trying to distract himself by reading. When that proved futile, he listened to some music and then switched to playing a video game on his computer. By the time he'd beaten his own high score, it was nine.

John lay back down on his bed. There was no way Rodney and Keller were still _eating_. Maybe it was all over by now. He'd harbored a faint hope that Rodney would knock on his door after the date to tell him that he'd made his choice.

But as time passed and it turned ten, he realized that Rodney wouldn't show up. John tried not to think about the possibility that Jennifer might have succeeded in seducing him. He knew that Rodney wasn't exactly prone to self-denial, but he'd promised John and he _loved_ John. It was unbearable to imagine that John had won Rodney's heart enough for one chaste kiss on his temple only to lose Rodney's body to Keller and with it all his hopes for their future.

And it _wasn't_ what had happened, John thought resolutely. Just because Rodney hadn't come to John that night didn't mean that Jennifer was still with him. It didn't have to mean anything. Their date could be long over and maybe Rodney just wanted to sleep over his decision.

Or maybe he had to come to terms with it first. It had taken John years and a doomed marriage to admit to himself that he was gay. And he'd kept sleeping with women occasionally after that. Rodney on the other hand seemed to have always thought of himself as straight even when he'd been in a relationship with a guy that lasted longer than John's marriage.

So John could understand that admitting to himself that he was bisexual and in love with John might be hard for Rodney. He just fervently hoped that Rodney's denial didn't run so deep that he would choose Keller over John simply because it would allow him to consider himself straight.

No, he couldn't believe that. He'd seen the yearning in Rodney's face that morning. Rodney _wanted_ him and he had to know it. He'd told John that if he chose him it wouldn't be because of bribes, demonstrating that he definitely saw him as a viable choice. And John truly believed that was all he needed. Keller might be nice and young and sexy and smart, but she didn't come even close to _getting_ Rodney or getting _to_ him. That was all John. There was no other choice for Rodney.

John decided to go to bed early. When he turned off the light, he let himself imagine the moment that Rodney was his.

Tomorrow.

~~

John saw neither Rodney nor Keller for breakfast. It didn't have to mean anything. He refused to think about the possibility that they were still together. Rodney could have wanted to get a head start at work or maybe he hadn't slept well. There were any number of reasons that had nothing to do with either John or his date with Keller.

John was tempted to look for him, but he resisted because if Rodney avoided him—or possibly both him _and_ Keller—because he needed time to think about his decision, John was going to give it to him. If Rodney was ready, he'd come to him.

Only he didn't. John spent the day doing administrative work in the office. He nearly jumped out of his chair every time someone knocked. It was never Rodney.

When Rodney didn't show up for dinner either, John gave in.

If Rodney hadn't made up his mind by now, things didn't stand nearly as good for John as he'd thought. Maybe he'd need more time and more dates. John was up for that. He was up for anything to win Rodney. But right now, he really needed to know where Rodney stood.

And if Rodney had already made his choice and was only avoiding him to figure out a way to let him down gently... John shook his head. He couldn't believe that. He _wouldn't_ believe that.

He made his way to Rodney's lab and found him, empty plate at his side.

Rodney turned to him and John's heart started beating faster. He couldn't read anything conclusive in Rodney's face.

"I figured you'd come looking for me," Rodney said. "Actually, I thought it might happen as early as last night."

"I wanted to give you time to...think."

"I appreciate that," Rodney said, giving him a small smile.

Smiling was good. At least John hoped so. "Come to any conclusion?" John said, trying very hard to make it sound casual.

Rodney took a deep breath. "As a matter of fact I have."

John listened to the beating of his own heart. "And?" he managed.

"I should say that the actual decision of... Well, my choice between Jennifer and you wasn't why I needed time to think today. I've made that choice yesterday, maybe even sooner, although I wasn't sure until last night. So today was more about the repercussions of that decision. I had—"

"Rodney!" John shouted, because his brain could no longer keep up the mantra of _It's looking good for you, don't worry_. He needed to know whom Rodney had chosen _now_.

Rodney looked disconcerted for a moment, then his expression softened. "You. Of course, it's you."

John exhaled in relief. Then he smiled and walked up to Rodney and pulled him into his arms.

"Wait, don't you want to know—"

John stopped Rodney with a hard kiss on the lips, then let it soften and allowed his lips to fit themselves over Rodney's.

Rodney's mouth opened up and he put his arms around John. It was just like their first kiss, but this time Rodney didn't pull back. In fact, he deepened the kiss, pulling John closer by the back of his shirt.

They stumbled to the side until Rodney was leaning against the desk. The kiss turned wild and dirty then. Rodney opened his mouth wide and John let his tongue plunge into Rodney's mouth.

Rodney moaned and squirmed until he was sitting on the desk and could wrap his legs around John and push up against him. John groaned. He was getting hard, and pressing against Rodney just made it harder not to lose control and take him right there.

"Rodney!" he panted, pulling away.

But Rodney put a hand on the back of John's neck and pulled him back into another mind-numbing kiss. And damn it. It wasn't as if John wanted to stop. He returned Rodney's wet open-mouthed kisses and let his hand trail down Rodney's back until he could slip it under Rodney's shirt to feel some skin.

"Oh yeah," Rodney whispered between kisses.

His hand wandered from John's back to his front, until it sneaked between them to the bulge in his pants. John groaned and pressed against it. When Rodney started to unbutton his BDU pants, John tried to stop him.

"Wait," he said.

"Haven't you waited long enough?" Rodney said in return, cutting any potential answer off with another kiss.

John smiled around Rodney's tongue and then moaned when his pants dropped to the ground and Rodney stuck his hand in John's boxers to grab his hard dick. John thrust into Rodney's hand, unable to help himself. He would have preferred their first time to be in a bed, but this wasn't bad at all and Rodney was right. He _had_ waited more than enough for this.

He pulled the rest of Rodney's shirt out of his pants, then shoved it up and over Rodney's head. Rodney's hair stood up crazily and John laughed and petted it down, to Rodney's slight irritation. He made it up to Rodney by kissing the top of his head and then kissing his way down to his temple and then to his neck.

Rodney really liked that, if the squeeze he gave John's dick was anything to go by. John teased one of Rodney's nipples with his thumb, while the other hand ran up and down his back.

"John," Rodney breathed into his ear.

"Uhum," John mouthed against his neck.

"Could you please?" Rodney said, then he tugged on John's arm.

John wasn't sure what he wanted and he didn't want to stop nibbling on Rodney's neck to ask, so he started unbuttoning his shirt. When he slipped it off his shoulders, Rodney said, "Oh, I meant... Okay, that's a good idea, too," and pulled John's t-shirt off as well.

He put a hand on John's chest, which kept John from moving straight back to Rodney's neck. Instead, John watched Rodney's gaze as it moved over John's chest.

"You are so hot," Rodney said reverently.

John gave him a pleased smile. "You aren't so bad yourself."

Rodney looked smug. Then he moved his hands back and propped himself on them. "Please touch my dick."

John snorted. "I can do that," he said and immediately got to unbuttoning Rodney's pants. Rodney had to move for John to be able to pull them down, but together they managed to push both the pants and his boxers out of the way and—after struggling a bit to remove the shoes—off until Rodney was naked.

John took Rodney's hard dick in his hand. For a moment, he just looked at it, the clear evidence of Rodney's attraction to him. He looked up at Rodney's face and leaned forward for another kiss.

Rodney put his arms around him and pulled him closer and John pushed against him until he was back at the desk. Rodney pulled back enough to say, "Remind me to disinfect this desk."

John laughed. "We could move this elsewhere."

Rodney looked down both their bodies, naked except for the pants and boxers that were pooling around John's ankles. "It's a little late for that."

"I was going to say something, but then you distracted me."

"Sorry," Rodney said, only he didn't seem sorry at all. Instead, he sat onto the edge of the desk, wrapped his legs around John and pulled him close until their dicks were aligned.

John looked at Rodney, then moved forward until their foreheads touched. "I forgive you," he whispered.

"I love you," Rodney answered and pulled him into another deep kiss.

John would never get tired of kissing Rodney. His heart soared every time they touched and every kiss filled his heart with gratitude and a sense of completeness and rightness. He'd never been as happy in his life and he didn't think he could ever be happier than with Rodney.

"I love you too," John whispered when their lips eventually parted.

Rodney tightened his legs around John, which brought their dicks flush together. "I want," Rodney panted, moving one hand between them and around their erections.

"Yes," John agreed. He thrust into Rodney's hand, against Rodney's cock. Rodney felt incredible, and smelled and—John quickly bent to his neck and gave it a quick lick— _tasted_. Fantastic.

Rodney groaned. Then suddenly he removed his hand from their dicks and wrapped his arms around John and _pulled_. John felt as if Rodney wanted to pull him inside and, okay, he would _definitely_ be on board with that, but then he realized that Rodney was frantically rubbing himself against John.

Fuck, that was hot. John squeezed a hand between them to resume stroking their dicks. He felt the stickiness of their pre-cum and spread it around, stroking it over the spot beneath Rodney's cockhead.

"John!" Rodney moaned into his ear.

"What do you want me to do, Rodney?" John panted, jerking them both off. "I can suck you off. I'd love to get a taste of you." He licked away the sweat from the spot between Rodney's shoulder and neck. "Or you could fuck me. I'd love to feel you deep inside. Do you want to fuck me?"

Rodney groaned between pants, still rapidly moving against John in effort to give them the friction and closeness they craved. "Can't," he managed. And then, "Need."

John nodded in understanding and kissed Rodney's cheek, before moving his hand from both of their cocks just around Rodney's. He forcefully started to jack him off and was rewarded by Rodney tensing to the point where he didn't touch the desk any more and started groaning, "John, John, John."

John tightened his grip on Rodney's shaft, feeling Rodney's fingers dig into his body where they held on for dear life. "It's okay, Rodney. Come for me. Let go."

And Rodney did.

He tensed and erupted in John's hand, come spilling between them. A drawn-out moan accompanied his explosive climax. Then all tension left him and he fell back onto the desk and leaned against John, face against his chest, breathing as heavily as after a long run.

John kissed his sweaty temple and petted his hair and back, hoping that Rodney was out of it and sweaty enough not to notice that he still had come on one hand. He let Rodney come down slowly, basking in the fact that he had done that to him, right there in his lab.

"Just give me a moment," Rodney mumbled into John's chest, still panting.

"Take your time," John said, smiling. He was in no hurry. His dick was still hard, but with Rodney in his arms, he could wait a bit longer.

"Okay," Rodney eventually said and pulled back to look at John.

Their gazes met. Rodney's whole face was flushed and glowing. His hair stood up weirdly here and there. It was adorable. John bent to kiss him again.

Rodney's mouth opened up for him and he slowly moved forward and off the desk. He put his hand on John's hips and turned them around until John's ass was leaning against the desk. Through it all, his mouth never left John's. He tried to push John's hips back, but John pulled away and shook his head.

"Pants," he said, looking at were they were still pooling around his ankles.

"Oh," Rodney said. Then he knelt down and started undoing John's shoes.

The sight of Rodney kneeling before him, _naked_ , face at the height of his dick, made John take a deep breath. Rodney wrestled off the shoes and then pulled pants and boxers off as John stepped out of them. That accomplished, he smiled up at John.

John's mouth was open and maybe the lust showed through. Either way, Rodney's smile turned into a seductive grin and he licked his lips and took John's dick in his hand and then slowly let his tongue follow a path up the underside.

John's dick twitched and John exhaled. "Rodney."

Rodney gazed up at him with an open mouth and God, John wanted to be inside there. He was pretty sure Rodney wanted the same and when he leaned forward, John closed his eyes, waiting for Rodney to take him into his mouth.

"Uhm," Rodney said. John blinked his eyes open. "You're tested right. And when we're off-world or on leave, you..."

"I'm clean," John said quickly before this could end in an all out discussion on possible diseases, real and imaginary.

Rodney sighed gratefully. Then he opened his mouth again and swirled his tongue over the tip of John's cock before sucking it in. John moaned quietly and tried his best not to push. Rodney's mouth was glorious.

Rodney played with the head of John's dick, sucking and licking on it as if it were a great delicacy. John didn't think he would last very long under the assault. Then Rodney pulled away with a last suck. John whimpered.

Rodney stood up and looked John up and down before giving him a quick and dirty kiss. John had hardly been able to react to it when Rodney pulled away again and pushed at John's hips. John propped himself onto the desk.

" _Do_ remind me to disinfect the desk," Rodney said, making a grimace, before sighing and putting his hands on John's knees to spread them. Then he bent and took John's cock back into his mouth.

John exhaled and moved back, leaning on his arms to give Rodney space to work his magic. He watched as Rodney took John's dick in his hand and sucked, taking John deeper and deeper with every movement of his mouth up and down John's cock.

He was really damn good at this for someone who'd thought he was straight. John didn't say anything. There'd be time for teasing later—and for not teasing and discussing maybe. There'd also be time to do this in a bed and for John to suck Rodney and to do other things. John couldn't wait for Rodney to fuck him.

Rodney started stroking him in addition to sucking and licking and John moved one hand to his head, running it through Rodney's hair. "You're amazing," he said, meaning both the blowjob and just Rodney.

Rodney looked up at him through his eyelashes, lips stretched around John's cock. It was fucking incredible. John closed his eyes for a moment and Rodney took the chance to step up the pace and stroke him more urgently.

John started to move his hips, pushing his dick just a bit deeper into Rodney's mouth. He didn't have any leverage to really fuck his mouth, but it was impossible to stay still while Rodney blew him. The hand that had been on John's waist suddenly moved down his thigh. Then it disappeared.

John didn't pay it too much attention—what with Rodney sucking his brains out and all—when suddenly fingers caressed his balls. His body jerked and Rodney tightened his hand around John's cock. Then Rodney started jacking John off in a hard and fast rhythm, while his other hand moved slickly over John's balls down to his hole.

God, yes! John wanted to feel Rodney inside of him. Finger, dick, tongue, it didn't matter, preferably all at one point or another. "Wait," he said quickly and dropped flat on his back. Rodney looked at him, mouth still around the head of John's dick. John pulled back his knees. Rodney's eyes widened and stared as John spread his legs and moved his feet onto Rodney's shoulders as far apart as possible to give Rodney plenty of space.

Rodney pulled his mouth off of John's cock, spit and pre-come dribbling down his lip. "I wish I was twenty years younger. I'd fuck you into next _year_."

John smiled, imagining it all too happily. "Next time," he said.

Rodney gave him a heated look and nodded, then went back to suck John. He began to stroke him again and John waited for the finger to return and then it was there, circling his hole. John put both hands on Rodney's head, gently stroking him as the tension in him rose.

Rodney picked up speed again, jacking his cock with a tight grip and bobbing his head up and down. His finger dipped into John's hole and straight out. Then it circled John's entrance before Rodney took him especially deeply into his mouth and pushed into John to the second knuckle.

"Rodney!"

Rodney didn't let up and kept sucking and stroking and pushing the finger deeper and deeper until he reached John's prostate and rubbed over and over and John lifted his hips unable to control himself. "Sorry," he said, but Rodney just pulled back and off his dick, coughed once, then went back to take the head of John's cock into his mouth and suck again.

He kept concentrating on the head, his tongue running along the ridge, while his hand jerked John almost roughly. The finger inside John started moving again and when Rodney kept going back to John's prostate, teasing it again and again, John knew that he was done for.

"Rodney, I'm going to—"

But Rodney just sucked harder if that was even possible and firmly pushed against John's prostate and John exploded, shooting jet after jet of come into Rodney's mouth. Rodney swallowed as best as he could, but a bit of it ran down the corner of his mouth and as soon as John wasn't wracked by spasms anymore, he let his legs fall down and pushed off the desk to lick his own come from Rodney's chin and chase the taste of himself in his mouth.

The kiss was wet and dirty and they clung to each other, both panting heavily. Eventually they pulled apart. Rodney's eyes looked glazed.

"Everything okay in there?" John joked.

Rodney just sighed, "Hmmmm."

John smiled indulgently and stroked his cheek. "I'm glad you enjoyed it."

"Enjoyed it? I'm considering requesting leave, just so that we can have sex non stop for at least a week."

John laughed. "I think our recovery time would put a severe limit on that," he pointed out, stroking the small of Rodney's back with his fingers.

"I know," Rodney said regretfully. "We can still have sex every night though. I'd be highly in favor of that."

"I love your thinking," John said with a wide smile. "How about we discuss it further in bed?"

"Good idea. Except, I really need a shower and I'm kinda hungry. I only had a sandwich for dinner," Rodney said, looking at John with big eyes.

John didn't want to let Rodney out of his sight or arms, but he couldn't resist that look, so he offered a compromise. "How about we shower together, then get you something to eat and then move it to somewhere _much_ more comfortable?"

"Okay," Rodney said. He extracted himself from John's arms and they started dressing. Rodney made a face when he pulled his shirt back over his come-covered stomach. He glanced over to the desk, where there were only a few sticky spots that remained as evidence of what they'd done. "Do remind me to—"

"Disinfect the desk," John finished for him. "I heard you the first two times."

"You know, sex is a strange thing," Rodney began.

John raised an eyebrow. "And by strange you mean great, I hope."

"Well, that too. What I mean is, when you think about it, it's pretty disgusting. I mean I just had my finger in your ass using my own come as lube." He grimaced.

"Rodney, you just _swallowed_. Voluntarily, I might add."

"Yes, I know and I love it, not necessarily the taste, just..." He gestured with his hand.

"The cock sucking and swallowing come?" John suggested.

"Yeah," Rodney conceded.

John looked at him. "You are weird, McKay."

"Hey! I was just pointing out that there's probably some brain chemistry voodoo that makes us do these things and not be grossed out by them. I mean, there's nothing I'd rather do than get sweaty and dirty with you again, but let's—"

John cut him off with another kiss. "Why don't we just leave it at that, okay? You have plenty of time to kill the romance when we're together for longer than an hour."

Rodney's face fell. "I didn't really kill... I mean, this isn't turning you off of sex, is it?"

"The face you're making is not much of a turn on, _but_ ," John said pulling Rodney close, "I love it when you talk dirty."

"Good, let's go get a shower. I'm hungry," Rodney said, giving John a quick kiss on the lips.

When they opened the door, Rodney turned to John. "You left it open." It wasn't an accusation but he sounded concerned.

John tried to imagine Zelenka or, God, Woolsey walking in on them. "That could have been embarrassing," he said, wincing.

Rodney flushed. "Try humiliating. Outing myself is one thing, but I'd rather do it without graphic visual proof."

John froze. They hadn't really talked about the whole gay thing. "But you're okay with coming out?"

"It would be silly not to," Rodney said, but he evaded John's gaze.

"Rodney?"

"See? This is why I wanted to have this conversation _before_ we had sex!"

"Which conversation?" John asked, confused.

" _This_ one. Where we talk about _why_ I didn't just drop by last night and jump into bed with you."

John swallowed. It wouldn't be anything bad. Would it?

The trepidation had to have shown on his face, however, because Rodney took John's face in his hands and kissed him. "I _do_ love you."

"Then what?" John asked, trying to relax the tension in his gut.

"This whole being bisexual thing... It's new for me. And I know it might have been stupid for me, but I can't change how I felt or _thought_ I felt. I've never considered myself anything but straight, and I think I'll have to work up to being comfortable with this."

John frowned. "We can hide, if that's what you want," he offered, although something in him broke at the thought of having to keep hiding, when he finally, finally was allowed to be open and honest about himself.

"God, no, John," Rodney said, pulling their foreheads together. "I could never do that to you. And I don't want to. I love you—so much."

John smiled at the heartfelt reassurance. He did feel lighter at hearing it.

"It's not that at all. Wow, it's hard to explain this," Rodney continued. He seemed to consider it for a moment. "I don't care if anyone on Atlantis knows. I mean, that's not even true. I _want_ them to know that you're taken, especially Henley, that bastard, throwing himself at you."

John laughed.

Rodney glared at him. Then his expression turned serious. "I just... I don't want to go ahead and call Jeannie _right this second_ and tell her that I'm bisexual. And parading you around as my husband at a conference... Wait, that might actually be cool. They'd all be shocked and probably very envious because I bagged such a hot guy."

John tried to take that in. "I think I get not telling Jeannie right _now_. You _are_ planning on telling her eventually?"

"Of course!"

"Good. As for parading me around as your _husband_ —"

"I did say husband, didn't I?" Rodney asked.

"Yep," John confirmed.

"I... Actually, I think that might be a big part of it. I always imagined me bringing my wife to...you know, award ceremonies and such. It just..."

"It's okay, Rodney," John said. "I _was_ married. I know what it's like to think that you should want that."

"It's not that I don't want you," Rodney said.

"I know," John said.

"And you know what? This is stupid. I'm gonna write Jeannie in the next data burst. She'll be happy for me. She always wanted me to find someone and have a family. Well, I don't know about family, but I'll have _you_."

"We _are_ family," John said. "Frankly, I think it's a little early to talk about kids, but—"

"Yes!" Rodney agreed vehemently. " _Way_ too early."

"Then we're in agreement."

"Yes," Rodney said, seemingly still reeling from considering talk about children.

John smiled. "Was that all?" he asked.

Rodney looked at him. "Oh, you meant in terms what I wanted to discuss with you before we..." He made a hand gesture towards the desk.

"Had spectacular sex in your unlocked lab?" John suggested.

"Exactly," Rodney said.

"Yes. Was there anything else?" John asked.

"Uhm. One thing," Rodney said, flushing.

John was intrigued. "What?"

"Well, you remember when you asked me about what kind of gay sex I had?" Rodney asked a bit nervously.

"Yes?" John prompted.

"And I said there'd been fucking?" Rodney continued.

"Yes. With that one guy, whom you didn't know you were dating for _fifteen_ months," John said, unable to help himself.

Rodney winced. "Yes. Michael was his name. I, uh, I fucked him. Because he offered himself," Rodney explained, turning a deeper shade of red. John filed away that information for later questioning and possible re-enactment. "But I never... He never fucked _me_."

"That's not a problem, Rodney. We don't have to do that." John liked being fucked well enough. It didn't mean that he didn't _want_ to fuck Rodney, because, God, being inside that tight ass, to be his first and only...was very tempting. But it was in no way a deal-breaker.

"No, it's... I'm not philosophically opposed to it or anything. I mean now that I'm bisexual I feel that I should probably at least _try_ it to see if I'll like it."

"Then what's the problem?" John asked, because he really had no idea.

"I'll have to work up to it first," Rodney said so quickly that John hardly understood him.

"You'll have to work up to it," John repeated to make sure he'd gotten it right.

"Yes," Rodney said contritely.

"Rodney, I've waited for you for _five_ years and you think it'll be a problem that you won't want to bottom immediately?"

"Well, if you say it like that..."

"Was _that_ all now?" John asked, because he really, _really_ wanted this conversation to be over.

"Actually, yes. It sounded...much more complicated in my head," Rodney admitted.

"It's not complicated," John said simply.

"No, apparently it's not," Rodney said and he seemed to be surprised about it.

"You must be starving," John said.

"Oh, yes," Rodney said dramatically. "Let's go find something to sustain me."

"You mean apart from me," John said, putting an arm around Rodney and kissing him wetly on the cheek.

"Yes, that," Rodney said, wiping his cheek.

John laughed.

~~

They made their way to John's quarters to get a set of clothes, then went to Rodney's room to shower together. It was for the most part goal oriented with a few kisses thrown in here and there.

Then they got dressed and walked to the mess together. While they walked, they kept shooting glances at each other and smiling.

In the mess hall, Rodney rushed to what was left of the food. John followed him and watched him contemplate what to take. His gaze wandered over Rodney's hair, where the wetness highlighted how thin it was getting, over his broad shoulders, where he'd propped his feet up less than an hour ago, his back, where sweat from their lovemaking had trickled down, his ass, which John would begin working on at the next opportunity. All Rodney, all his. He still couldn't quite believe it.

John stepped closer to Rodney, looking over the shoulder and grinning teasingly as a disguise for needing to be able to _feel_ Rodney.

Then it occurred to him that this contact was no longer forbidden. He carefully lifted his hand around Rodney to hold him from behind.

Rodney turned and looked at him with a questioning expression. John flushed and moved his forehead against Rodney's. Rodney smiled and kissed him gently on the mouth—without hesitation—before turning back to the food.

John pressed his cheek against Rodney's and squeezed him tight for a moment. In the back of his mind, he knew that the few people that were still in the mess could see them and would come to their own conclusions.

But what really mattered was that for the first time in his life, he was with the person he truly loved and there was no reason to hide it or lie about it or fear that it would be taken away from him.

He was happy and he had a future.

With Rodney.


End file.
